Flashback NOV'01 Sometimes I am overwhelmed without knowing why.
I know that work is only a means to buy what we want. Not an end, is a means, but overwhelmed. I grab the neck and chokes you.
want out and feel relaxed, but I can not. I have to close your eyes, relax, ... Tranquility. So much and so little. Very difficult to reach.
'm happy with myself.
I had a really bad but I appreciate those months of anguish. I was alone and sad. I did not want to be alone, but had to get used. I learned to be me. I knew a little more. We were always two, hand in hand. I told her my troubles, and she listened. One day stroked my face and told me looking into my eyes would never leave me alone. I would go with me wherever I went and never release me. I stroked her hair when she was a lack of affection. It gave me encouragement and kind words when I was depressed and laughed with me the days when the sun rose.
showed me that no one in this world as true to oneself as oneself. It is a basic instinct of protection. As a mother hugging her son and covers, and our spirit becomes shield against the darts assail us in the way of life.
I know we all traumatic things happen in life. Some, very few, they sit on the road, and not rise again.
Do not want to. Re too afraid to stumble and become even more damage. And surrender.
living dead are left in the middle of the road. Take pity and live traumatized and happy in their misery.
The rest, after the just pity, or more than just your pain, just packing what little they have left whole, and the pieces of the rest in his backpack, it fits well to the back and decided to follow his lead. Right decision.
The clock is ticking and there are so many incredible things to live, to feel ... it would be foolish not to give up everything to suffer again.
I'm good about myself. We can make plans only two, because we understand. We have given an opportunity and it was worth. I do not anguish of loneliness. Do not flee from it. The look.
can not be with anyone when they're empty. You have nothing to give, and you can not expect something in return when you are so hollow that you can only give silence and tears. Nothing works
worthwhile on that basis. It is a hypothesis too selfish.
First you fill you have something to offer. Only then can come the spark that ignites the engine. And that spark comes from a strength ... Pure physics.
No force is ever tear, and alone in the world of deep, no force. Just heard moans and cries.
must struggle to escape the tunnel. Before pain that fits inside you and take root. You have to run as fast as possible in another direction when there is time.
And to fill, you have to spend many hours with self.
I still have a lot. But I make my progress, and that fills me. I'm moving. Forward direction. I'm glad. I'm proud. Everything is going well.
Gone was the bottomless pit, the dark on the whole damn calendar that absorbed me mercilessly. I do not see just numbers, I see day. Some better than others, but days after all.
I am furious with myself.
'm a coward. I can not, I dare not to take the reins of my life. Too much pressure, too much responsibility.
'd rather ride the wave ... but ultimately I end up breaking up, my dreams, and everything is lost in the foam.
I know I have to swim in the direction I want, but where I want to go is past the horizon, and I fear losing sight of the shore.
I know I should risk it, lose the fear and start to swim away, but I have fear. It scares me too not find what I want, and try to get back to my beach and discover that I can not return to it: I have not done the right thing, which was supposed to do, what is expected of me. We return to business as usual: the society (and what do I care? But I care, mark me, defines me ...)
What if I start to swim and find I can not find what I want? Maybe my inner void is enlarged with each unsuccessful search.
unforgiving time, and the world does not accept the mediocre, to the failures.
addition, I have not too clear about where I want to swim, where I'm coming.
Without goals there are no targets, no goals and no strength. Without strength there is no spark, no sparks and no life. Time consuming
hope, and in a few years may not have enough strength to swim. I know it's time to start, but I need a light to tell me the way, and no lights.
Perhaps the least expected, overnight, a day of fog and storm, to throw me in my dreams, and will finish probably drowned in the middle of some unknown sea, but at least the fall to the bottom I can say: I did!
